Time is short
by Cats070911
Summary: Tommy is shocked by Winston's news but this is just the first in a series of surprises that test his emotions to their limit. Warning,some of you may find this story distressing.
1. Chapter 1

"Excuse me Sir, there is a policeman here to see you. He says he worked with you when you were serving in the Met."

"Thank you Denton. Please show him in." Tommy stood up to greet his guest. His hip was still bothering him and he winced. It had been three months since his operation but it was still painful when he stood, even when he used his stick. He had never imagined he would be thrown by his horse. It was simple lack of concentration but he was paying dearly for it now. He was only in his early fifties and he walked like an eighty year old.

"Detective Inspector Nkata, Sir," Denton announced.

"Winston! How wonderful to see you. And you are a DI, that's terrific, well done!" Tommy shook Winston's hand heartily. "How long has it been, eight years?"

"Good to see you too Sir. About ten years I suppose. A little after you went back to Howenstowe after you mother passed away I think."

"Yes, too long. And don't call me Sir. I'm Tommy. I'm not in the force anymore and you are equal rank now anyway." Tommy noticed the serious look on Winston's face. This was not a social visit. "So what brings you all the way out here?" he asked cautiously.

"It's Barbara I'm afraid Sir." Winston could no more call him Tommy than fly to the moon. "It's not good news," he said as he handed Tommy an envelope.

Tommy sank back into his chair. He noticed it was addressed to him in a faltering but instantly recognisable hand. Tommy swallowed hard then opened it slowly.

_Dearest Tommy,_

_I'm currently resident in St James Hospice awaiting the inevitable. They suggested we write to people we needed to clear the air with so that we die in peace. I've no idea how to do this but there's only one person in my life that I need to make peace with, you. I've asked Winston to deliver this to you after I pass on and make sure you read it. I know that he will so I need to take care in getting this right. If I ramble bear with me, I have something important to say but I need to put it in context._

_I'm not sure that writing a letter can ever make up for life's mistakes but I owe it to both of us to at least try to explain why I made the decision I did. It wasn't for the reason I gave you then, nor was it for the reasons I told myself. It was simply that I was sacred. I was scared of your offer; I was scared I could never do it and I was scared I would ultimately disappoint you. So it was easier to disappoint you upfront but I didn't know it would feel so devastating. Not seeing you since that terrible night tore a hole my life that has never been repaired. Maybe that is the greatest irony. I know you never married and I worry that you have the same emptiness. I hope not but if so, maybe this letter can help. I always wanted, and still want, you to be happy Tommy._

_I know I said I didn't love you, but I did; more than life itself. I wanted to marry you more than anything. Your proposal was a dream come true but I knew I could never be your wife. I always hoped that once your anger passed you'd realise I did love you and know why I did it. For weeks I was sure you would see it and come rushing back to me and that we'd find a way. I sat outside your house each night until you moved back to Howenstowe trying to build up enough courage to knock and beg forgiveness and try to explain. I once made it to your door but chickened out like the coward I was. I wish I'd knocked, if for nothing else than to explain._

_I rejected you to save you. I told myself that and it was true. But it was only half the story. I was too scared to try. I didn't believe in myself or in us and for that I need your forgiveness. I did believe in you but I didn't believe you loved me enough to make it work. I thought you would tire of me. You were right when you told me I could not decide that. Your hurt and anger broke my heart but if you believe nothing else then believe that I was trying to protect you from yourself. Your mother had just died in that terrible accident and you were leaving London. I thought your proposal was too impulsive and that you would regret asking me. We had only just started going out. It was too new. You could not possibly want to marry me._

_My tirade about the aristocracy and your role in it was said to hurt you, to try to make you see I'd never fit in to your world. But I didn't mean it and if I had a penny for every time I close my eyes and see the hurt in those beautiful chestnut eyes of yours I would be as rich as you. It still tears at me ten years later. In order to protect you I thought I had to hurt you. I knew you so well it was easy to know what to say but it was much harder than you think to say it. All I wanted to say was yes, I will marry you. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you but I thought I was being honorable and noble. I know now I was being a fool._

_So I hope you can forgive me but if not at least understand I did love you, I still love you. I loved you almost from the time we first worked together and it has been the memory of that one night we had that has sustained me. Over the years I have ached to feel you touch and kiss me and love me like that night._

_I'd do things differently if it happened again but I can't undo it. I only hope you're able to understand and forgive me. In a way I hope I was right and that you didn't love me as much as you thought you did and that you have moved on and found happiness._

_I have left you my estate and my solicitor will be in touch soon with details. There is one memento of our years together that I treasure beyond anything else that only you can look after and I hope you will understand and honour my wishes._

_May you be blessed with a long and happy life._

_All my love,_

_Barbara_

Tommy stared at the letter that he had read three times. Oddly it brought him no comfort at all to learn she had really loved him. It was not news, he had known that then too. He knew why she did it but he had been too stubborn to go back. He had waited for her to come to him and she never had. He had driven up from Cornwall five times in the first two months but each time he had simply followed her and watched her. She seemed happy enough and so he left her to her choice. But what had he expected to see? Her sitting in the gutter crying and wrenching at her clothes over her lost love? They had both been stubborn fools and it had cost them their happiness.

Tommy put his head in his hands. He needed time to adjust to her death before he spoke to Winston. He wondered about the memento. He was only aware of one photograph of them together and he had that on his dresser. He cherished the photo so he could understand her attachment to her keepsake. Whatever it was it would be sacred to him now that she was gone.

Finally he felt able to speak. "When?" he asked not really wanting to know the answer, "when did she die?"

"She hasn't yet Sir but she doesn't have long," Winston replied sheepishly, "I know she made me promise I wouldn't bring this to you until she had but I don't care if she hates me, you two need to talk before she goes so that you both have some peace."

Tommy looked up through blurry eyes. "Thank you Winston. Is she still at St James?"

"Yes."

"What's wrong with her?" It seemed a cold question if the end was close but he needed to know.

"It's her heart Sir. A piece of the bullet from when she was shot must have dislodged from somewhere and travelled there. It's ripped little tears in the muscle that are getting bigger. Eventually one will rupture. She has been ill for about a month."

"And they can't do anything?"

"Nah, apparently not."

Tommy stood ignoring the pain. "Right give me a few minutes and we'll leave."

Tommy issued orders to Denton and made a phone call then grabbed his car keys and his blue jacket. He was in jeans and a blue shirt, not what he would choose to visit her in but it would have to do. Denton would organise his wardrobe when he got to London. "Denton will arrange to have your car taken back. You and I will fly from Newquay. It will save around three hours."

Winston looked perplexed but followed Tommy to his car, a red Range Rover. "What happened to your old car Sir?"

"I still have it but this is more practical." Tommy did not want to tell Winston that the Bristol brought back too many sad memories for him to drive and too many good ones for him to part with it.

The tickets and the charter plane were waiting for them. Tommy settled into a seat opposite Winston and began to interrogate him about what had happened to Barbara. He tried to ask about Winston's life and was pleased he was married and had three young sons but he was only just listening; his focus was on Barbara and the time he had wasted that they could have been together. Barbara was dying and Tommy knew his spirit would die with her.


	2. Chapter 2

When they landed a car was waiting to take them to the hospital. Tommy limped up the stone stairs after Winston and he cursed his hip under his breath. The lift took an age to arrive and Tommy had no idea what he was going to say. 'I'm sorry', 'it was my fault', 'of course I forgive you can you forgive me?', all featured in his thoughts but he suspected first he would have to get over her anger. She obviously did not want to see him but Winston was right, they needed to sort things out before...

They stepped from the lift and he nearly fell. Winston steadied him. Tommy was able to blame his hip but in reality his legs had given way at the thought of her dying. He was nervous. He was sad and he was excited. He was completely lost to know how to behave. "Tommy!"

He turned to see Alfred Crawford-Brown rushing up the corridor. "Alfred, so good of you to come. Do you think anything can be done?"

Alfred was an old friend from Eton who was now London's pre-eminent heart surgeon. "I wish you had called me a week ago Tommy."

Tommy's own heart threatened to fail. It had been a gamble but he had been prepared to pay anything, do anything, to try to save her. "So you can't help?" he asked plaintively.

"I didn't say that old chap but I can't guarantee anything. I've looked at all the test results. There is a lot of damage and I don't want to risk moving her. This hospice is attached to a good hospital so I can operate here. It will take me about three hours to organise but I'll be frank with you Tommy, her chances are less than twenty-five percent that she will survive but that's twenty-five percent more than she'll have if I don't operate."

Tommy grasped his arm. "Thank you. Do what you can. I need her to survive."

Alfred returned the grasp in unspoken acknowledgement. "Go and talk to her Tommy. I will come and see you both shortly."

Winston led the way to her ward. It surprised him that it was modern with clean lines of gleaming aluminum and plastic. Tommy had expected an older more rundown institution with grey floors and lime Lino up the walls. He thought he had prepared himself but the sight of her lying frail and helpless in the bed was too much for him and he whimpered. Her hair had lost both it's redness and it's shine. It was slightly longer and the dull grey strands fell haphazardly on her pillow. She was white with a bluish tinge to her skin that told him death was near. Tears began to roll down his face. He thought briefly about trying not to show his emotions in front of Winston but he could not help himself and he did not want to be the ever-correct Lord Asherton, he wanted to be Tommy who had loved Barbara with a passion and depth that had scared him. He could not lose her again, no matter what it took.

She seemed to be asleep. The beeping monitors and flashing lights of the machinery around her told him he was not too late. He did not want to wake her and frighten her but he wanted to talk to her. He wanted to hold her to him and never let her go. There was a chair by the bed and he sank gratefully into it and rested his cane against the cold steel cabinet. He picked up her hand and held it, being careful not to disturb the cannula protruding from her wrist. He squeezed gently. "Barbara, it's Tommy."

There was no response and he feared he might be too late. Maybe she had lost consciousness and might never come back to him. He leant forward and kissed her hand. Then he stood awkwardly and kissed her forehead. "I never stopped loving you. I have missed you so much."

Barbara began to stir. Tommy was still standing over her when her eyes began to flutter awake. "Tommy! Oh Tommy I'm sorry! I died before I could see you. I wanted to tell you I loved you."

Tommy choked back tears but some still fell around her. "I love you too Barbara. Can you ever forgive me for being such a proud and stubborn fool?"

Barbara seemed to come fully awake with a start. She pulled her hand away. The heart monitor started to beep faster and louder and Tommy worried he had caused more damage. "Sir! What the hell are you doing here? I specifically told Winston not to tell you until after I'd gone." Her anger seemed to be too much effort and her voice faded. "You read the letter?"

Tommy nodded. "He thought we needed to talk. Don't be angry with him. I had to see you. I had to tell you that I loved you. I never stopped loving you. There was nothing to forgive. I should have come back. I tried but like you I couldn't face it. I am so sorry Barbara, about everything."

She was staring at him and her expression changed. He could tell she was pleased he was there. Her hand closed over his and she smiled weakly at him. "For once Winston was right. I am glad you're here. I've missed you Tommy. We were both wrong. It just wasn't meant to be. We we never destined to be together."

"We were Barbara. We were both just too afraid."

As they stared into to each other's eyes their conversation continued unspoken. Words were unnecessary. Tommy stroked her face and eventually bent down and kissed her tenderly. "I've waited ten years to do that again," he said lovingly.

"So have I." Barbara wept unashamedly. "I'm sorry, I normally don't do this."

Tommy tried to hug her as much as the machinery and leads and his hip would permit. It was oddly comforting being able to cry with her. "I've asked a friend of mine to operate. He can given us a chance to be together Barbara."

"Tommy wait, before we talk about that, there's something you should know."

Tommy felt a fist beating his back. "Stop hurting my mother!"

Tommy was startled by the words and turned to find a miniature version of himself staring back at him, equally stunned. He had not known it was possible to feel complete and unconditional love for someone you have never met until he looked into the startlingly green eyes of his son. The boy had his mother's eyes and his brown hair was highlighted with a ginger sheen that was surprisingly attractive. The boy unconsciously pushed a lock of hair that had fallen over his eye into place as he stood staring at his father.

"Tom, this is your father, Tommy this is Tom, our son," Barbara said as if she were introducing two associates rather than introducing a father to his son.

"Hello," Tommy said tentatively, unsure what one said in such circumstances. This was not covered by Eton's etiquette classes.

The boy stretched out his hand and very formally said, "Thomas Havers-Lynley, pleased to meet you Sir. I'm sorry I hit you."

Tommy was mesmerised by the lad. He was dressed almost identically in jeans a light blue shirt with a blue jacket. He even shared his name. Tommy wanted to bend down and hug him but feared it would frighten the boy. He extended his hand and was surprised by the certainty of his son's grip. "Tommy Lynley, I'm very pleased to meet you too. It is quite alright, your mother deserves protection."

"Tommy, I'm sorry I was trying to tell you," Barbara said, "Tom go and find Uncle Winston for me please. I need to talk to your father."

"Yes Mum," he replied obediently, "will Mr Lynley still be here?"

"Yes Tom," Tommy replied, "I'd like to talk to you some more."

To his surprise the boy beamed back a huge grin at Tommy. "Won't be long."

Tommy turned to Barbara questioningly. "I presume our son is your 'memento'?"

She nodded but could not look at him. "I couldn't tell you. When I found out I was pregnant I thought you would think I was trying to trap you. I had your name put on his birth certificate but I don't expect you to acknowledge him as your heir and I certainly don't want him to become the next Earl. But you will look after him won't you? He's a wonderful boy. He reminds me so much of you. He does very well at school. And he's very fussy about his dress. He has his own style even at his age."

Tommy vaguely heard was she was saying. He was delighted and shocked and angry but above all he was sad at having missed so much of his son's life. A maelstrom of emotion erupted into one angry accusation, "you had no right to keep him a secret. I'm his father! I should have been there for him. We could have been a family; a proper, loving family. What you've done is not fair Barbara, on any of us. What were you going to do? Have your solicitor post him to me?"

"I'm sorry Tommy. I know that, that's why it's been so hard to ever face you. Each year it just got harder. But don't take it out on Tom, he needs you now."

"He needs us both Barbara. We all need each other which is why you are going to pull through. You just have to believe it."

"Tommy, it's too late. I'm going to die. They said this morning they thought about twenty-four to thirty-six hours. I'm nearly ready now that I've seen you."

"You sound like you want to die. Well I won't accept that. You need to want to live Barbara, for Tom and for me. We can still be a family. It's not too late and my offer is still open." Tommy hugged her as hard as he dared.

"Oh Tommy." It was all she could manage before he kissed her.

"Good news, we can operate in an hour? Oh, sorry!" Alfred had arrived to brief and prep Barbara and walked in on a very tender scene. "I need to get you ready Ms Havers but Tommy and your son can come back in a few minutes to er, wish you well."

Barbara sighed. "Just say it doctor. We need to say good bye."

"Well yes, I can only offer a chance, nothing more Ms Havers." Barbara nodded and squeezed Tommy's hand.


	3. Chapter 3

Tommy was ushered politely out of the room. He sat on a timber bench outside the ward when Tom and Winston came back. Tom stopped to look at the vending machine and Tommy turned to Winston and hissed, "you should have told me before he was born."

"Barbara swore me to secrecy."

"You still should have told me!"

"I know Sir. It has eaten away at me every time I see him. He is so much like you Sir it is frightening sometimes."

Tom came and sat between them. "Uncle Winston what are they going to do? Is Mum dying right now?"

"No Tom, your father has arranged for a surgeon to operate to try to fix Mum's heart."

The boy turned and looked at Tommy. "Thank you Sir."

Tommy smiled at him. Winston made an excuse and left them alone to talk. Tommy had so much to say but did not know where or how to start. "Did Mum tell you about me?" he asked to establish his position in the boy's life.

"Oh yes Sir!" he answered. "But she had said that you were not able to live with us or see us and that I shouldn't try to find you. Is Mum ashamed of me?"

"No Tom, I think she is ashamed of me."

"Oh," Tom said, "did you do something bad?"

"Yes, I let my pride come between your mother and I." Tom shook his head and Tommy could swear he actually understood.

"What do you know about me?"

"That you are a kind man who will make sure I am looked after. You have a big house and a horse. I like horses but we don't have one. Mum said you would send me to boarding school and that I might be able to stay with you in the school holidays."

Tommy wondered why Barbara would assume he would not want his son around but then she would never presume anything was important to him. "I have several horses. There is a little grey one that would be perfect for you to have Tom. His name is Ben."

The boy smiled and started swinging his legs under the bench. "Thank you Sir!" Then his mood changed and he looked down. "But I can't ride him."

"Why not?"

"I don't know how Sir."

"Then I shall teach you. We won't let that stop us playing with Ben. We can walk him up onto the cliffs that look out over the ocean. You can sit on him and I'll lead him."

Tom looked up at his father and said very earnestly, "that would be good Sir but I would prefer it if I could go home with Mum."

"Tom, we both want your mother to be okay. The man with her now will do everything he can to make that happen and then we can all go back to my house in Cornwall while she recovers. You can play with Ben and she can watch us."

"I think I'd like that Sir."

"And you should stop calling me Sir."

Tom was grinning cheekily, just like Barbara when she toyed with him. "What should I call you Sir?"

That was not something Tommy had thought about. He son was exceptionally polite but each time he said 'Sir' he was hearing Barbara say it and it was like a knife in his heart. "Well my name is Tommy but I called your grandfather 'Father'."

"Was he a priest?"

Tommy laughed. "No son, he wasn't. What would you like to call me? Papa? Uncle Tommy?"

"But you're not my uncle or a pretend one like Uncle Winston. You're my father! Billy and Sam call their fathers 'Dad'. Can I call you that?"

Tommy felt his heart melt. He swallowed hard and choked back his tears. He smiled at Tom in the same way he smiled at Barbara. It was a smile full of love. "Yes Tom, I would like that."

"Okay...Dad," Tom said experimenting with the word. "They won't believe me when I tell them I found a Dad!"

"Then I'll come with you to prove it to them." Tommy remembered well being teased at school and he suspected his son received more than his fair share. "Then they'll have to believe you."

Alfred emerged from the room. "It's okay to go in now Tommy," he said to Lynley.

Tom pushed past them and ran into the room. "Mum!"

Alfred put his hand on Tommy's arm before he followed. "I'll do my best but make sure you and the lad say a proper goodbye." Tommy nodded and entered the ward. His son was talking animatedly to his mother about the horse. Barbara was smiling at him in the same way she used to smile at Tommy. Lynley stopped and watched, committing every moment to memory. It would be a scene he would cherish regardless of the outcome.

"Dad said we can go and stay with him so you can get better and I can learn to ride Ben. Dad will teach me."

Barbara smiled up at Tommy over his head. "Tom, go and fetch Uncle Winston please. I need to say good bye to him."

Tom's face fell at the reminder. "Yes Mum," he said as he reluctantly left the room, his hands thrust deep into his pockets and swinging his arms in his coat. Tommy could see so much of Barbara in his mannerisms.

"Dad? Already. You've made an impression. I'm happy for that Tommy. Promise me that you'll look after him for me and remind him how much I loved him." Tommy tried to speak but nothing came out. Eventually he just nodded.

Tom returned with Winston who struggled to control his emotions. He thanked Barbara for everything and tried to sound convincing when he said he would see her tomorrow. He left and asked Tom to escort him. The boy sighed but dutifully followed leaving Barbara and Tommy alone.

"Barbara, I know I should be more eloquent but all I can think to say is how much I love you and how wonderful a friend you have been. Nobody has ever loved me like you have and I can't understand how I let that slip by. I am truly, truly sorry I let you down. That night was the most special of my life and knowing we created Tom is both mystical and wonderful. I love him already Barbara, as much as I love you so you know I will protect him and love him for both of us. But you're going to make it. We deserve to be happy and to bring up Tom together. Fight to stay alive Barbara, please."

She nodded and tears streamed down her face onto her pillow. "I love you so much Tommy! I wish it had been different. I would have been proud to be your wife."

They held each other and kissed tenderly. Tom came back and climbed onto the bed and hugged his mother. Tommy embraced them both and for a few moments they were a family. Tommy knew he had to leave Tom and Barbara to say good bye. He kissed Barbara again and said, "I'll see you when you wake up. Tom I'll wait for you outside."

He stood and left the room. He turned at the door to see Tom in her arms. She was still smiling at him and he gave her his special smile. It was how he wanted to remember her. He turned and left wondering how he would cope if she died.

Tommy sat on the bench and waited. Two orderlies went into the room and soon Tom wandered out and climbed onto the bench beside Tommy. Barbara was wheeled out of the room and Tommy lifted the boy up so that he could see his mother. She waved at them and they waved back then watched her disappear.

Lynley needed some air. "Mum will be a while. What about we go for a walk?" The boy nodded and they went outside after Tommy left his mobile number with the nursing station. They walked slowly and Tommy knew Tom was curious. "I fell and broke my hip," he said not wanting to say he had been thrown from his horse. The boy accepted that without need for elaboration.

"What do you want to do when you grow up Tom?"

"I want to be a Crown Prosecutor like James."

Tommy was mildly surprised that a boy of nine even knew what that was but he was intrigued. Perhaps James was someone in Barbara's life. Tommy was instantly jealous. "James?"

"James Steel from Law and Order."

Tommy smiled, relieved. "Ah yes. Well I think that is a very good ambition Tom. You never thought about being a policeman?"

"Only when I was little," he answered seriously, "but Mum says being a policeman is dangerous and does your head in so she would never let me join."

Tommy smiled at his turn of phrase. He had become so used to the boy sounding like him that it seemed funny to hear terms Barbara used. "Yes, it can. Your mother is a smart woman."

They continued to talk about Tom's interests and his school. Tommy found it easy to talk to him as he opened up about everything. It was a charming, unguarded trust that Tommy puzzled over as it was unlike either he or Barbara. Perhaps it was just the innocence of youth.

After an hour they returned to the hospital. Tommy bought them a sandwich and drink in the canteen but both of them only picked at it. They found the cardiac intensive care ward where she would be brought and settled into a seat on the couch in the waiting area. Tommy knew that the anxiety on the faces of other people waiting for their loved ones was matched by his own. A man in his sixties paced nervously up and down the room while an older lady sat knitting, her needles clacking together in a fury that defied the normal movements of human hands.

Tom went to the bathroom and had seemed mildly affronted when Tommy had offered to take him. "I'm not a little boy Dad!" It amused him but also made him realise how much he had to learn about being a parent. A few hours ago he had no idea he had a son and now he might be responsible for his welfare and more importantly his values and beliefs. The thought scared Tommy and he wished he could just go to the pub and sit and think. It was a dangerous thought and he knew exactly where it would lead. All that had to be behind him now. He had no room for self-pity; he had to be strong for his son.

He stood up and stretched. His hip ached and he felt very tired. He paced around while Tom sat quietly reading a magazine that had been on the table. Tommy sat back down and Tom put down his magazine. They sat next to each other with the same expressions staring aimlessly into their own thoughts. A little hand came over and tucked itself into Tommy's. "Don't worry. We'll be okay Dad."

Tommy looked at his son who was looking up at him with wet eyes. Tommy could see he was trying desperately not to cry. He lifted him onto his lap and held him tight. Tom's arms came around his neck and he buried his face into his father's chest and began to sob. Tommy kissed his head choking back his own tears. "I know son. I know."


	4. Chapter 4

Father and son were still clinging to each other when Alfred woke Tommy several hours later. The doctor looked serious and exhausted and when he asked to speak to him alone, Tommy's heart sank.

"She's tough. She made it through the operation and we will bring her back to the ward soon. I found the fragment and repaired all the tears I could see. Most of them were in one area which is why she was so weak. It could have ruptured at any time. The trouble is any damage that I could't see. She will be in an induced coma for the next twenty four hours. That is the main danger period and each day she makes it past that her chances increase. I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring Tommy but I have done my best."

Tommy shook his hand and thanked him. "Can we see her?"

"Only for a minute. Do you think the boy should see her? It might upset him."

Lynley considered this option but at Tom's age he would have wanted to see his mother. "I will explain it to him first. I think he needs to see she is still alive."

"I'll check on her regularly and ring you if anything changes."

Tommy shook his hand. "Thank you again Alfred."

The doctor smiled. "You haven't seen my bill yet!"

Tommy explained carefully to Tom what to expect. They went into the ward and saw Barbara hooked up to at least ten different monitors. Tommy had his arm around Tom's shoulder but at the sight of his mother the boy moved in closer. There was nothing they could do except wait. Tommy would have stayed holding her hand all night but he had his son to think about now. There was nothing they could do and no point sitting in the ward all night. "Come on Tom, Mum needs to rest. Remember I said they have put her to sleep until tomorrow night, so we won't be able to talk to her until then."

Tom nodded and let Tommy steer him from the room. He remained silent until they were in a cab that Tommy hailed outside the hospital. "Are you staying at my house?" he asked Tommy.

"No, I thought you might like to stay at mine."

"Don't you live in the country?" he asked as if he thought Tommy was mad.

"Yes but I have a house here in London too."

Tom seemed to consider that. "Okay," he said as if he actually had a choice, "but I'll need my pyjamas and toothbrush and some clothes."

Tommy was chastened that he had not thought of any of the practicalities. He had a nine year old adult for a son. "Right, so you will. Do you have a key? We can go via your house first."

Tom nodded and gave him the address. Tommy did not recognise it but re-directed the driver and asked him to wait outside. Barbara's flat was clean but untidy, a state Tommy remembered fondly. Tom hurriedly picked up a few things and shoved them into cupboards hoping his father would not notice. Tommy smiled softly and was tempted to check the cutlery drawer for underwear. How like Barbara the boy was at times.

He expected his son's room to be chaos but instead it was an oasis of calm. Everything was stacked neatly and his little desk was laid out with a degree of order that surpassed anything Lynley would do. "Your room is very tidy Tom."

"Thank you," Tom said with pride, "Mum says she is a creative genius which is why she is messy but I think everything has a place and if you put things away you can find them again."

Lynley tried hard not to laugh. "Very true. Okay where do you keep your bag?"

Tom pulled his suitcase from under his bed and seemed embarrassed that it was adorned with Thomas the Tank Engine. "I had it when I was little," he mumbled apologetically.

"Well it's still useful," Tommy answered, unsure what to say.

Tom's wardrobe was like a smaller version of his own. He had jeans but no t-shirts like most boys. All his shirts were collared and arranged in colour order. Tommy was amazed that his son had such taste. There was no evidence that Barbara selected any of them.

They packed quickly and were soon heading to Tommy's house. Tom sat in the cab looking at all the lights and buildings. Tommy pointed out landmarks which seemed to impress the boy. "We don't come into the city much," Tom explained, "and never at night."

Tom's mouth gaped when they pulled up in front of Tommy's Belgrave townhouse with its white walls and big blue door. "You live here?" he asked.

"Yes."

Denton answered the door and was unable to hide his surprise at seeing Lynley and a little replica. Tommy remembered too late he had forgotten to tell Denton about Tom.

"Good evening Sir, and...?"

"Good evening Denton, this is my son Tom."

"Ms Haver's child I presume." Tommy watched Denton scrutinizing his son with a look of sadness that reflected his own emotions earlier. Denton smiled at Tom who had extended his hand. He looked at Tommy who nodded and so he shook the boy's hand. "Good evening Master Tom."

"Pleased to meet you Mr Denton."

Denton nodded and said to Tommy, "I'll prepare the spare room. What would you like for dinner Sir?"

Tommy thought the concept of Denton might upset Tom if he was anything like his mother. "I think I'll cook tonight. Take the evening off."

"Thank you Sir." He turned and took Tom's case upstairs.

Tom looked around the hall and his father gave him a quick tour of the house. "And you live here by yourself?" the boy asked.

"Yes, with Denton." The boy nodded and Tommy noted a certain sadness in his face. He wondered if he was thinking about what his life could have been if they had all been together or whether he was simply worried about the future and his mother.

Tommy tried to cheer him up. "Come on, you can help me with dinner."

Tom helped gather ingredients from the pantry and then stood beside his father. He could only just see over the granite benches so Tommy lifted him up and sat him on the bench next to where he was working so they could talk more easily. Tommy could now talk to him on the same level. He looked across and was mesmerised by his eyes, Barbara's eyes. They chatted happily as Tommy moved expertly around his kitchen. As Tommy started to chop the tomatoes for the pasta sauce Tom asked, "can I chop them?"

"How old are you Tom?"

"Nine years and two months," he replied proudly.

"I'm sorry, you have to be ten in this house to use knives."

"Mum lets me help."

"Good, well when she gets better she can overrule me but until then my rules apply," Lynley answered suddenly feeling like a real father. Tom scowled at him just like Barbara used to and it took enormous effort not to smile or to hug the boy.

Tom recovered quickly and chatted again until Denton reappeared. "I've readied the room Sir. I forgot to say Mr Nkata collected his car earlier and I wasn't sure how long we would be here so I brought Blackie with me. He's been fed."

"Thank you Denton. Enjoy your evening." Denton nodded and left.

Tom watched him go and then turned to his father. "It's okay Dad."

"What is Tom?"

"Mr Denton. He's the reason you couldn't live with Mum isn't he? Because you live with him."

Tommy stared at his son wondering if he had meant what he had implied. Seeing his expression he had no doubt that he had. That probably explained his expression earlier. At nine Tommy would have had no concept of those things but it was a different age. "Er, no actually. Denton works for me Tom. He does my cooking and cleaning and looks after the house. We don't live together in that sense."

Tom blushed just like his mother and hung his head, "sorry Dad I just thought there had to be a good reason you didn't live with us."

Tommy put down his knife and hugged his son. "The only reason is because I was a fool and let your mother walk out of my life but I won't make that mistake again. I didn't know about you Tom or I would have been there."

Tom looked at him and bit his lip in the same way Barbara did. "You won't go now will you? Now that you know me?"

Tommy struggled not to cry. "No Tom. I'll never leave you or your mother again." Tommy hugged him and the boy wrapped his arms around his neck. "I promise."

They continued chatting as Tommy put on the sauce to boil down. "Do you like dogs Tom?"

"Yes I think so but we don't have one."

Tommy whistled and delightedly watched Tom's face as a black Labrador came skittling into the kitchen, his paws slipping on the tiles and his tail wagging his whole body. "This is Blackie."

Tom scrambled off the bench and went over and tentatively stroked his head. The dog was eager and soon Tommy was forgotten as the dog played with his son. He watched fondly and then remembered his sauce.

Tom had his mother's table manners and Lynley made a note to subtly train both of them. His son ate voraciously and Tommy could see he had Barbara's appetite. Tommy found some ice cream in the freezer which won over his son. Although at times he was wise beyond his years, he was still a typical boy in many others. It was a balance Tommy knew would take him a while to understand.

"Come on, time for bed young man."

Tom grumbled but his yawns gave away that he was tired. Having learned from his earlier experience Tommy simply told Tom how to operate the shower and left him to it. He went to his room and rang Judith to tell her about Barbara and Tom. She was delighted and offered to drive down and help but Tommy was insistent that he wanted time to bond with his son. They agreed Judith would ring Peter. Tommy could not face the thought of arguing about whether his brother or his son would be the next Earl. To him it was obvious but he was not sure legally what steps were required or what Barbara would say. His next call was to the hospital. There was no change which was good news.

When Tommy returned to find Tom sitting up in bed. "All done?"

"Yes Dad."

"Well goodnight then. I rang the hospital and your mother is doing well. We'll go and see her tomorrow. My room is just across the hall if you need me." He bent down and kissed his son on his head.

"Aren't you going to tell me a story?"

Now Tommy was lost. He could not remember any childhood stories. "I'm sorry but I don't know any."

"Yes you do! Mum always tells me about your cases...when you worked together."

Tommy was surprised but amused. Only Barbara would turn murders and criminals into bedtime stories. "Do you have a favourite?"

Tom considered his options. "The Shand case when you and Mum had to share the caravan." Tommy smiled and sat on the edge of the bed to begin his story. "Not like that," Tom admonished, "you have to lie next to me."

Tommy pulled his feet up and propped up against the bed head. Tom nestled into his side and Tommy put his arm around him and began the story.

"That's not how it finishes!" Tom said, "you left out the bit about how when you pulled Mum from the marsh you almost kissed her and before she came to she could hear you tell her you loved her."

Tommy smiled at the way Barbara had chosen to portray the story to their son and he thought back to that night. Then it struck him; he had said that but he did not know she heard him. At the time it had shocked him because he had just resumed his life with Helen.

"Dad?" Tom jolted him from his reverie.

"Sorry Tom. Yes, it happened just like your mother said. It was the first time I realised your mother and I were more than friends."

"No it wasn't." Tom corrected, "that was when you went to her flat. Really Dad you don't do stories very well."

"Sorry. Tomorrow I will tell you a better one, about the time I first kissed your mother."

Tom yawned. "Okay Dad."

Tommy went to leave but his son tightened his grip on him making it obvious he wanted him to stay until he fell asleep. Tommy reached over and turned off the lamp. He snuggled lower in the bed, still holding Tom. Before long they were both asleep.

About seven in the morning both woke with a start as Tommy's phone shrilled urgently. Tom bit his bottom lip and looked scared. Tommy looked at the screen. It was Alfred. Tommy was more scared than his son.


	5. Chapter 5

Tommy could not think what to say so he simply answered, "Lynley."

"Tommy, it's Alfred. Ms Havers has had an unexpected complication." Tommy's stomach seemed to fall but he said nothing so as not to alarm Tom and waited for Alfred to continue. "She's had an allergic reaction to the drugs we use to induce the coma. I am going to have to bring her out early. It's not ideal but I thought you and the boy should be here. I don't want her waking up and getting anxious. I need her to stay calm. Can you be here by eight?"

Tommy glanced at his watch. "Yes, we'll be there. Thanks Alfred."

"They need to wake Mum up this morning and they want us to be there in case she gets scared. Have a quick shower and I'll get some breakfast."

Tom smiled and nodded. "Is she okay?"

"So far," his father answered, "but she will be very tired and she has to lie very quietly."

Tom did not say anything else but raced to the shower. Tommy called Denton to fix breakfast and had a long welcome shower. It had been the strangest, saddest, most tiring and yet happiest twenty four hours of his life. He felt he should not be happy at all but Tom was a delight, and he was his son, with Barbara. He bowed his head under the water and let the warmth cascade around his neck as he thought about how desperate he was for her to live. He felt guilty that he had not focused as much on her with Tom to look after but now he was alone he allowed himself to dream about holding her again.

Blackie and Denton were amusing Tom who had started breakfast without him. Tom must have seen the expression on his face and he lay down his spoon. "Sorry Dad, I was hungry."

Tommy ruffled his don's hair and kissed him on top of his head. He was so like Barbara. "That's fine Tom."

They ate quickly and arrived at the hospital just before eight. Tommy spotted Alfred who waved. They sat in the waiting room until a nurse called them. Alfred came over and bent down to speak to Tom. "Son, we have stopped the drugs that make you mother sleep. In a while she will wake up but she will be very confused and might get scared. Don't let that frighten you but if you get scared tell Mr Lynley and he will look after you. Can you sit quietly until she wakes up?"

"Yes." Tom reached out and grabbed his father's hand.

There were less machines and leads than last night and someone had placed a single upright chair beside the bed. Barbara looked peaceful but there were blood spotted drain lines coming from her chest and she was an odd red colour. Tommy wondered if that was the allergic reaction. He sat and pulled Tom onto his lap. Tom reached out and held his mother's hand which touched Tommy deeply. Tommy reached around his son and enclosed their hands with his own. Then they waited.

It was about an hour before Barbara began to stir. The nurses fussed on the other side of the bed and Tom looked up anxiously. "Remember the doctor said she might get scared and confused. Just keep holding her hand Tom."

It was another twenty minutes before Barbara started to open her eyes. Tommy could tell she was having trouble focussing. "We're here Barbara. It's Tommy and Tom. We are right here next to you." He thought he saw a faint smile.

"Hi Mum. Dad let me stay at his place. It's huge!"

"Not too much information Tom. Let her wake up slowly."

"Sorry," he said in a loud whisper.

"You don't have to be sorry. We just have to be patient."

"Either of you being patient is impossible." Two heads turned and stared at Barbara who was smiling lovingly at them. "Am I still alive?"

Tom giggled as if that was a silly thing to ask. "Yes, Mum!"

"Good."

Tom started to talk but Barbara did not answer. "She's gone back to sleep Tom."

Alfred came over and asked them to leave while they ran some tests. "Stay close but we will be around an hour. I'll ring you if there is any change."

Tommy nodded and took Tom outside. He remembered he had forgotten his cane and was surprised that he seemed to be able to walk better without it. "Food or a walk?"

"Walk."

The two generations of Lynleys strolled wordlessly through the nearby park. To observers it was clear they were father and son and equally clear that they were trying to resolve issues of major importance. Tom stopped to look at some ducks in the pond so Tommy sat on a nearby bench. Tom came over and sat next to him. "Dad?"

"Hmm."

"Will you marry Mum when she gets better?"

"Yes, if she'll have me."

Tom grinned at him and Tommy wondered why it was important to him. He waited for an explanation but the boy simply asked, "can we go back now?"

They headed back. Alfred was pleased that Barbara's tests were promising and Tommy started to hope. He and Tom sat with her most of the day as she drifted in and out of consciousness. In the afternoon he took his son home as he was getting restless. They took Blackie to the park and Tommy sat on the bench watching the boy chasing the dog who refused to bring back the ball once he had retrieved it.

It was nearly three weeks before Barbara was well enough to be released from hospital. Alfred was pleased and now believed she would recover fully as long as she rested for the next two months. "No sex for at least a month and then nothing too vigourous!" he had warned them. "I have seen you two kissing when you think no one is watching." Tommy noticed how deeply Barbara blushed and knew his face was the same.

Tom was settled back in school and enjoyed being dropped off by Denton or his father each morning. Tommy had gone to see his teacher and made sure it was in front of the class so that they could all see Tom had a father. There was no mistaking that they were related and Tommy noticed the pride in his son as they stood there.

Tommy spent the school hours at the hospital with Barbara where they could talk; about the past and more importantly about the future. Barbara had been angry that the force was pensioning her off as medically unfit but was mollified when Tommy pointed out that was better than resigning which she would have done anyway.

The trickiest conversation had been around Tom's schooling. "He can go to the local Nanrunnel school until he is ready for secondary school," Tommy had said.

"Then you want to sent him to Eton don't you! Well I don't want him to go to a snobby boarding school full of kids he won't like."

"You're worried he will fit in too well," Tommy retorted.

"Yeah, well I didn't raise him to be a toff."

"And that's the only thing Eton produces?"

Barbara had looked at him realising he was playing with her. "Okay, what is it?"

"I thought we would move back to London. There are plenty of good schools here."

"You won't force him to go to Eton?"

"No! I want us all to be a family as long as we can."

"He'll leave eventually. For university at Cambridge."

"As he should but until then I want to have him with us. And by the way he wants to go to Oxford now."

"Why?" she asked suspiciously, "he's always talked about Cambridge even when he knew you went to Oxford."

"He liked it when I took him up last weekend," he said sheepishly then in answer to her frown added, "well we have to have some family traditions upheld." Tommy grinned and Barbara laughed.

Each afternoon Tom would bound in to the hospital see his mother full of news from school or adventures with his Dad. "I met Auntie Judith and Uncle Peter last night," he said one day, "they kept staring at me at first but they seem nice. I've never had an aunt or uncle before, it is exciting but I don't really know what to do with them. Auntie Judith kept hugging me. I thought she was trying to choke me and Uncle Peter kept thanking me for saving him."

Barbara tried to think of a suitable answer but Tommy rescued her. "As their nephew it is your job to just let them fuss over you."

Another day Tom announced that his father had started giving him 'Earl lessons'. Barbara looked at Tommy and raised her eyebrows and he shrugged. He had not used that term. He had simply explained to Tom that one day he would be Ninth Earl of Asherton and had started to tell him the family history. Tom now accurately detailed his lineage back nine generations for his mother who tried hard to pretend she was interested.

The next weekend Tommy took his son to Howenstowe for the first time. Tommy introduced Tom to Ben and with one carrot the two became instant friends. Tommy was extra careful and much to his son's annoyance ensured Tom had a well fitting helmet and padded jacket but Tommy was amazed that his son was a natural horseman with an uncanny instinct for how the animal would behave.

On the Sunday Tommy chanced his leg and rode for the first time since his accident. He chose a sedate horse and led Tom on Ben up to the cliffs. The boy was awed by the landscape and more so that they owned so much land. On the way down he let his son take his own reins and soon forgot that he could not ride. They were back at Howenstowe before Tommy remembered he was only going to let him ride by himself a little way. Tommy made him promise not to tell his mother.

Soon it was time for Barbara to leave hospital and they were discussing their plans. "You have to stay in London for two months for your check ups but I would like us to move to Howenstowe as soon as we can," Tommy said.

"You keep assuming but you haven't actually asked me."

Tommy dug into his pocket and produced a box. "Remember this?" he asked.

"I think I threw it at you last time I saw it."

"Well I kept it hoping one day you might change your mind. I've been carrying it around for two weeks waiting for the right moment but I think this might be it. Barbara Havers will you do be the great honour of marrying me?"

"Yes." Her answer was simple and easy. "I should have said that ten years ago." Tommy simply beamed at her then kissed her. It was not the first time their kisses had set the monitor off and brought nurses running.

When they told Tom he simply nodded as if it was beyond doubt. Then he turned to his mother and said with such seriousness, "Mum, Dad, I have been thinking about the wedding since Dad and I discussed it. I know I should give you away but I also want to be Dad's best man. I think I can do both."

Both his parents stared at him and then at each other and tried hard to suppress grins. "Yes Tom, I think that is a splendid idea," his father said.

"I'll need a suit. I've always wanted a suit."

Tommy ruffled his son's hair affectionately and Barbara rolled her eyes. "Honestly Tom!"

When she was released from hospital Tommy put Barbara in his room. "Tom's in the spare room so I will stay on the couch."

"Why?"

"So you can rest and so I don't disturb you."

"I've waited too long for this. Stay with me Tommy."

"You know what the doctor said."

"He mentioned nothing about actually sleeping together! Besides what if I need something in the night?"

Tommy grinned in his special way. He did not need much convincing. After they jointly told Tom a story Tommy lifted the boy in his arms and took him to his room. He tucked him in and turned off the light. He had just settled back in bed with Barbara and they were cuddling together whispering endearments. Tommy had just started to kiss her when he felt the covers lift off his feet. He jumped but then found it was Tom forcing his way up between them.

There was enough light from the open window for Tommy to see the faces of his family. They looked content and he grinned happily to himself As he pulled them closer. He did not mind sharing Barbara with his son but it was a good job Tom had school during the day; he and Barbara had a lot of time and loving to catch up on.


End file.
